Paranoid

I hate November and December.

I’m sure it all comes back to losing a job, several years ago, the Monday after Thanksgiving and then also losing a job a few weeks before Christmas a year or so after that.

The pressure of the holidays and the snow and ice and the loneliness combine to make me feel paranoid. Anytime I make a mistake at work… make a wrong decision… do my best, but my best isn’t good enough… I get scared. Anytime I hear the words, “I need to see you in my office.” I get completely freaked out.

My eye accident happened in December and I wonder if that doesn’t play a part.

To top it all off, I have tendonitis in my right knee that has just started feeling better after making it nearly impossible to walk up steps for the last month.

My sleep has been mostly unrestful. I either go to sleep too late, wake up too early or both. My dreams when I do remember them have centered on running through a long tunnel. I have no idea what that means.

My work life has been up and down. I do good and I don’t get recognized, but when I do bad, its center stage. I’m working very hard and trying desperately to get a hold of my workload. I think I’m doing better and that’s all anyone can ever ask.

Lastly, I’m on the part-time teaching roller-coaster again and I feel cheated. They dangle a class in front of me and then yank it away. I don’t think they want me teaching anymore.

I’ll feel better in January, I just know it. Unless, of course, I’m pounding the pavement looking for a new job.