Head Games

My friend Grant received a blind e-mail from a headhunter looking for a candidate for a training job. The requirements were exceptionally out of the realm of possibility… so he decided to have some fun with her.

This is what happens when you try and recruit someone who is a.) smarter than you and b.) has time enough to show it.

Here’s the email:

@cgsinc.com>@cgsinc.com>@gmail.com>

Hello, a keyword search showed that you are an experienced professional with SAP and training experience. This experience is relevant to one of my current openings.

**This e-mail is automatically generated based on key words. We are sorry for any inconvienience if this job does not fit your skill set.**

Computer Generated Solutions, Inc. (CGS) is a leading provider of information technology services and software to businesses and government agencies worldwide, known for delivering expert, cross-industry solutions across multiple platforms. Since 1984, CGS has helped companies leverage information technology to gain the competitive edge.

CGS is seeking SAP Instructional Designer with experience in the following SAP Expense Management (user and back office), SRM (user and back office), SAP procurement and FSCM (highly desirable) Duration of project: 8 weeks

Location: New Jersey

Travel may be required. Travel and expenses will be reimbursed.

If you are interested, qualified and available, please reply to this message with an updated MS-word copy of your resume.

CGS is an Equal Opportunity Employer M/F/V/D

To learn more about CGS, please visit our website at www.cgsinc.com. We look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

Laura Wong
Technology Resource Division

Computer Generated Solutions Inc.

Here’s Grant’s exceedingly snarky email response.

Hello Laura,

Very excited to hear from you.

I have some questions that only you can help me with.

You may noticed that I have training and SAP experience, but since I’m located in Phoenix and the position is in New Jersey… I think the commute might be a little lengthy. This also somewhat coincides with the notion that “travel may be required.” Again, since I live more than 2000 miles from the job site, I believe this goes without saying.

I think I have a solution that will work, but it will require you to look into this with the employer in question. If the company is interested in having me work for them, I will need them to commit to a few things:

The company must help me sell my current home, pay to relocate me to New Jersey, put me into temporary housing, and then help me locate a new home in New Jersey prior to the penalization of the Capital Gains taxes. At that time, I will commit to working the length of the 8 week contract, then finish up my commitment. At that time, I’ll need the company to assist me in selling my home in New Jersey, and pay relocation expenses back to Phoenix so I can buy my old home back in 2 months time.

Barring that, I will need access to either a Lear Jet, teleporter, and/or jetpack capable of transporting me to the job location in a reasonable amount of time each morning. If that is also not feasible, then perhaps we can work out a situation where they pay me for the 8 weeks of work, and I decline to show up. I can only imagine how much money that will save the employer, since they no longer have to worry about funding any of the cost-prohibitive measures of relocation and/or financing my travel expenses.

In addition to these terms, I will also need a weekly stipend for meals, transportation and entertainment. Since I have a small child and a wife, that would also need to include teleconferencing equipment to stay in touch with them, since there’s no way on God’s green earth I’m going to be able to convince my family to move to New Jersey unless it was for an unreasonably ridiculous salary proposal.

Which brings me to the money I’d require for an 8 week commitment that would take me across the United States for no good reason for a job I know less than nothing about. The salary I require for this is no less than $500,000. I could live on about $80,000 of that – the remainder of that salary shall be money that I will spread out on my bed and roll around upon like Demi Moore from “Indecent Proposal.” I am a man of very specific tastes, and I also intend to use some of that money to purchase fine chocolates and alcohol from very specific corners of the globe, as well as lavish hunting trips to sovereign nations where I will shoot and mount animals that have existed on the Endangered Species list for many years. I will smile in the photos they take, and I will send you copies, for YOU, Laura, will have helped me achieve my dream job.

But assuming all this is beyond the realm of your influence, Laura, I would like to thank you for keeping me in mind for any and all positions… assuming they are not ridiculously beyond the scope of what normal people would deem reasonable.

Above all, thanks for showing me that my life could be much worse. I could have a job trying to find qualified applicants by using keyword searches on Monster, then not bothering to spend 5 minutes reading the results I find.

Good luck to you. I’ll do fine out here in Phoenix.

Sincerely yours,
Grant Chastain


This made me laugh so hard I was crying at the end of it. You will be able to read more of Grant’s work in the forthcoming Corrective Measures graphic novel coming soon from Arcana Studios.