He was the guy who told me stuff I never thought of before, but should have. He was the one who said believing in the invisible man in the sky was bullshit. He was the one who dared speak the seven words. He was the one who didn’t pull punches to save face. He didn’t go for the brass ring of Hollywood like Richard Pryor or Robin Williams. He was more than a stand-up comedian. He was the voice of intelligence in an age of the stupid. He will be missed.
Religion is Bullshit
Some People are Stupid
Things You Never See
…and the Infamous Seven Words
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. ”
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms shorter.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
I’m getting old. And it’s okay. Because thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll pass away. Or I’ll expire, like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a terminal episode. The insurance company will refer to it as negative patient care outcome.