Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

My parents are ying and yang. My father is quite the logical one and my mother is the over the top emotional one. They aren’t quite as extreme as that sounds, but in general it’s true. They work very well together because each complements the other.

My mother is a worrier. She remembers when my brother lost his wallet 15 years ago and used to remind him all the time about it. After it became something of a family joke, she’s finally realized she can silently worry about things, but not voice them. Of course, everyone can tell what she’s thinking. Sometimes her worries are unfounded, but not all the time. Sometimes she’s right on the mark and her thought processes are uncannily accurate.

My father thinks things through. He rarely gets emotional about a subject. He’s calm, cool and even. His voice is usually the one of reason. Of course, I’ve seen him go through a whole range of emotions. He handles the emotional outbursts of my Mom about as well as my Mom handles his logical reasonings. Like I said, they are ying and yang.

I think I’ve inherited both of these aspects and I manifest them at different times in a sort of check and balance between my ears. For example, I get paranoid at work when review time comes around even though I know I just had a glowing six-month review, my boss and her boss love what I’m doing and I love the creative freedom I’m given.

I went through a long stretch where I was told everything I wrote was crap. My confidence was frayed regarding the one thing I thought I was pretty good at. Even worse, it was what I was being paid to do. My friends continued to tell me I didn’t suck, but I needed an impartial third party to tell me I was good before I started believing it again.

I worry that I’ve let my head overtake my heart at times. I worry that I’ve let my emotions overtake my reason at times. I sorta kinda blame my parents for that dichotomy.

The idea of being alone at 40 bothers me, but I know I have friends and family who love me. I’ve failed at relationships, but I know it wasn’t always my fault. Still, I dwell on my failures although I try and learn from my mistakes. Of course, I overthink every little thing and can easily devolve into worry and fits of paranoia.

Being overly emotional and worried about something is no more worthwhile then being overly indifferent and logical. The bottom line is I’ve actually thought about these things about myself and knowing how I am allows me to, hopefully, react in the right way when I feel myself getting paranoid, overly worried or coldly indifferent.

The opposite of worry is confidence and the opposite of indifference is compassion. I’d like to think of myself as compassionate and confident, but its a tough line to walk.

I’m insanely jealous of the great relationships my friends and family have. My parents have a wonderful relationship and I long to have something like that for myself. I hope she’s out there. Someone told me once, “You have to take care of yourself first and good things will happen. You can’t appear desperate or needy because that stinks. You have to build confidence in yourself. You have to decide all by yourself that you are the right one, at the right time.”

Add in some compassion and I am the right one at the right time.