Meme Week: Ask a Stupid Question…

…get some stupid answers:

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My girlfriend’s chest. It needs my soapy hands.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
The one that goes with the Blowfish. Oh. You said, hoodie…

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Of course. she probably wouldn’t kiss me though.

4. Do you plan outfits?
Yes. Here’s a typical morning for me.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
I don’t know. How do you feel? Do you feel like I do? I mean its always Champagne for breakfast and a Sherman in my hand. Peached up, Peached Ale, never fails. Must have been a dream I don’t believe where I’ve been. Come on, let’s do it again.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?
This can.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
In the dream, I recently have become owner of my deceased father’s publishing company, and begin to enjoy a wealthy lifestyle. Through my friend Brian Shelby, I’m introduced to Sofia Serrano, and the we begin to flirt and become closer. When my former girlfriend, Julianna Gianni, discovers this, she becomes extremely jealous.

Later, she offers me a ride, but purposely crashes her car at high speed off a bridge; Julianna dies while I survive, though my face is scarred up so badly I wear a mask to hide so that people will not stare or look at my face. On an evening out with Brian and Sofia after the crash, I become extremely intoxicated, much to Sofia’s displeasure, and she and Brian leave me to wallow on a sidewalk. However, the next morning, Sofia returns to help me back onto my feet, and we begin to date steadily.

Though my life seems perfect, I finds oddities about it, such as a completely empty Times Square. At times, I find myself hallucinating, my face reverting to before the plastic surgery which has fixed it. A strange man appears at various locations to tell me he has the power to control the world. After one hallucination episode, I go to Sofia’s apartment to find Julianna there, and that all the old photos and pictures of me and Sofia have been replaced with Julianna. In a fit of rage, I kill Julianna by suffocation. I’m then arrested and put into prison and placed under the psychological care of Dr. Curtis McCabe. Finding myself suffering from a form of amnesia, Dr. McCabe and I discover there may be a connection between myself and a company known as “Life Extension,” who place clinically-dead patients into cryogenic chambers to awaken in the future when cures may be available. We visit the company, who explain they place their patients into a “Lucid Dream” state while in the cryogenics company. I then recognize that the reality I’m in is my own Lucid Dream, and call for Tech Support.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
I met myself from the future, but wouldn’t you know it, my Mom shot my older self.

9. What are you craving right now?
Tantric sex

10. Do you floss?
I fucking hate flossing. I’ve never got into the habit of flossing on any kind of regular basis. Perhaps, I just need one of these.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Another vegetable I will never ever eat again.

12. Are you emotional?
I’m a coldly logical being. Except for every seven years when I go into Pon Farr. I enter the Plak Tow blood fever and must mate. Rachel Bilson will do.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
No, but lets start. 1, 2, 3, 1000. That was fun.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I don’t bite or lick my ice cream. However, I’m sure this chick licks it.

15. Do you like your hair?
I only wish I had more of it.

16. Do you like yourself?
I love myself. Repeatedly. Don’t you?

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
I would politely decline. To be fair, I wouldn’t have dinner with Clinton or Gore either. There’s no way on Earth I’d go to dinner with Cheney. However, I would have dinner with Barack Obama.

18. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of silence.

19. Are your parents strict?
Well, I didn’t grow up in a cupboard under the stairs.

20. Would you go sky diving?.
Maybe once. As long as I wasn’t wearing a red shirt.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Yes, but I hate cottage cheese thighs

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
I’ve met Gene Simmons (KISS), J. Michael Straczynski (Babylon 5 creator), Kevin Smith (Silent Bob), Mandy Amano (the Pepsi girl), Dee Brown, Luther Head & Deron Williams (NBA and Illinois Basketball), Roger Ebert (Chicago Sun Times), George Perez (comic book artist extrordinaire), Mark Waid (Boom Studios head honcho), several Star Trek people (Walter Koenig is really short and Peter David messed-up one of my books with his autograph) and some skinny chap named Barack Obama.

23. Do you rent movies often?
I like to borrow movies from the library and circumvent the “borrowing” period.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
Of course there is! My diamond and sapphire encrusted iPhone.

25. How many countries have you visited?
Through the magic of Disney I’ve visited Mexico, Norway, China, Germany, Italy, Japan, Morocco, France, United Kingdom and Canada.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
No, but I wish I could have done this to the last telemarketer.

27. Ever been on a train?
Yes, but I have a problem. My train leaves the station at the top of the minute. If it averages 66 miles per hour for the first 10 miles it will pass milepost 10 exactly at the moment that the minute hand of the clock is directly over the hour hand. At what time does the train leave the station?

28. Brown or white eggs?
I mostly buy white eggs, but I’m thinking this is a tricky racist question. I mean I’ve had brown eggs. Brown eggs are friends of mine. However, my store typically carries while-only eggs. Now I’m thinking there needs to be a million chicken march on Washington to protest the inequality of brown eggs.

29.Do you have a cell-phone?
I don’t know what a “cell-phone” is. Is it a phone made up of cells? Is it a special kind of phone only used in jail cells? I do own a mobile phone though.

30. Do you use chap stick?
Not since I figured out that no matter how much it smells like cherries, it doesn’t taste like cherries.

31. Do you own a gun?
Of course I do. Here’s a fun story about it. I had been partying hard so I thought it was a good idea to go to the doctor and get myself checked out, you know what I’m talking about? Now I go walking into the doctor’s office and I see a nurse with the biggest tits I’ve seen in a long time. Now this girl’s trying to be real cool. So I sit down and I start reading my magazine. She’s trying to pretend I’m not really there and she walks by me shaking her ass. Now I catch on real quick and I say, “Excuse me. Bend down here I got something to tell you.” She bends down and I grab a hold of her real quick we start to make out. She says, “Why don’t we start this examination just a little bit early!” I say, “Alright.” She says, “Why don’t you take off your shirt.” So I take my shirt off. Then she says, “Why don’t you take off your pants.” Now I look at this girl and I say, “Honey I’m feeling just a little bit shy.” I’m wearing my Levis, my 501s, you know the real tight ones. She gets down and she unsnaps that little snap at the top. Then she reaches down just a little bit and she unsnaps the next one. Next one. She opens up my pants. She checks her hand out to make sure it’s not too cold and she sticks it down the front. She says to me, “What are you doing with that pistol in your pants?” I tell her, “Honey that ain’t no pistol that’s my… LOVE GUN!”

32. Can you use chop sticks?
No, but I can eat chop suey.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Anyone I want to be with.

34. Are you too forgiving?
I like JFK’s stance. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”