Don’t Prosecute Gotham’s Supervillains for Their Latest Scheme


This is some pretty good satire from Slate. Here’s the brilliant opening written by, ahem, the Joker:

It’s been a traumatizing couple of weeks in Gotham City, full of unthinkable violence and chaos. We’ve all seen the appalling footage: the exploding shark, the pier bombing, and the United World Organization building-until last week, a powerful symbol of the democratic hopes of the entire world- being invaded, vandalized, and defiled by the “United Underworld,” an alliance between the city’s most dastardly criminals: Catwoman, the Penguin, the Riddler, and even the Joker, the coolest supervillain of them all (although his role in the plot was very minor or maybe even nonexistent, from what I’m hearing). People across Gotham are frustrated and angered, and the vicious, unwarranted vigilante attack launched by so-called “crimefighters” Batman and Robin against the crew of a whimsically-decorated Navy surplus submarine in Gotham Harbor did nothing to lower the emotional temperature.

Now it appears that Commissioner Gordan and Chief O’Hara are planning to bring criminal charges against the ringleaders of the United Underworld. This is a grave mistake. Our great city should be looking forward right now, not dwelling on the past. A trial would only dredge up traumatic memories and evidence of the terror unleashed by the Penguin, the Riddler, Catwoman, and possibly others. Criminal trials should not occur in the heat of the moment, if ever, and I fear that investigating this shameful incident any further would only be inflammatory and incriminating. We could waste months looking into exactly which supervillain used a stolen piece of distillery equipment to dehydrate all nine members of the Security Council as part of a deranged kidnapping plan, but would that do anything to improve the life of the average Gothamite? In the spirit of healing and unity, I believe that the members of the United Underworld, especially the Joker, should be released immediately and face no further consequences for their alleged involvement in this plot. Anything less risks angering Gotham’s supervillains and their henchmen further while doing nothing to stop the cycle of super-crimes.

Man, this makes me laugh.

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